YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY KETTLES MY GOLDEEN? TRAINERS THESE DAYS NOT DOING THINGS THE RIGHT WAY!
JUST LOOK AT THESE WHIPPERSNAPPERS THESE DAYS. YOU EVER SEE A GOOD OLD FASHIONED POKÉMON BATTLE DONE FOR THE SAKE OF GRINDING? YOU’LL BE LUCKY TO NOW! INSTEAD OF MAKING THEIR POKÉMON FIGHT EACH OTHER TO THE NEAR DEATH OR BEYOND FOR A FEW HUNDRED EXPERIENCE POINTS, THEY JUST SHOVE THEM INTO THE DAY CARE! THE DAY CARE! IT DOESN’T SEEM TO MATTER TO THEM THAT IT’S A RIGHT RIP OFF – THEY TAKE YOUR MONEY EVEN IF THEY DIDN’T GO UP IN LEVEL AND THEN TRY TO PALM OFF THEIR UNCOOKED BREAKFAST TO YOU! RAW EGGS ARE TERRIBLE! BUT I DIGRESS. RATHER THAN TAKE CARE OF THEIR POKÉMON THEMSELVES THEY PAY OTHERS TO DO IT FOR THEM. WHAT LAZINESS!
OR WORSE YET, THEY SHOVE THEM INTO THOSE POKÉWALKER THINGAMAJIGS AND THEN THEY JUST TAKE A WALK! THAT’S HOW THE MODERN TRAINER TRAINS THESE DAYS – THEY JUST GO FOR A WALK WITHOUT BEATING UP HELPLESS RATTATA ON THE WAY. AND THEN IT MAKES THOSE ANNOYING BEEPING NOISES! I HATE IT WHEN THEY DON’T DISABLE THE SOUND WHEN THEY PLAY THE THING LIKE A DARN GAME BOY. WHAT’S THE FUN IN THAT? BEEP BOOP WHOOPS I FAINTED. NOT AS COOL SOUNDING AS A FLAMETHROWER TO THE FACE!
I GUESS IT’S NOT ENTIRELY THEIR FAULT THOUGH. SOCIETY IS TO BLAME! FIRST THEY LOADED THE KIDS WITH CASH SO THEY COULD GO AND AFFORD THE EASY WAY, AND THEN PROVIDED THESE STUPID GADGETS! AND THESE ITEMS! WHEN WILL THE PUBLIC LEARN THAT IT’S ALL FALSE ADVERTISING THESE DAYS? TAKE RARE CANDIES FOR INSTANCE. A TRAINER WILL TYPICALLY RAM THEM DOWN A POKÉMON’S THROAT UNTIL IT GETS SO FAT IT CAN’T BE KNOCKED OUT. THAT’S INSTEAD OF DOING IT THE OLD FASHIONED WAY – WHACKING ITS HEAD AGAINST A TREE UNTIL IT STOPPED FAINTING EACH TIME. BUT WHAT’S SO RARE ABOUT THEM? YOU FIND THESE THINGS DOWN ANY COMMON ROAD NOW! THEY SHOULD CALL IT COMMON MAKES-YOU-FAT CANDY! THERE’S MORE SUGAR IN ONE OF THOSE SUCKERS THAN A SNORLAX!
OR LUCKY EGGS. WHAT IS SO DARN LUCKY ABOUT THEM? YOU KEEP IT FOR SO LONG IT’S PROBABLY GONE ROTTEN ALREADY! GRANTED, THEY GET YOU BONUS EXP BUT WHAT’S SO RARE ABOUT THEM WHEN PROFESSORS GO ABOUT HANDING THEM OFF LIKE CHEESE TO TRAINERS THESE DAYS!? I’M LOOKING AT YOU, PROFESSOR JUNIPER! NOBODY IS AS GOOD AS PROFESSOR OAK, BUT THAT’S ANOTHER RANT!
AND NOW THEY HAVE THESE POWER ITEMS! WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH THOSE? SOMEONE TRIED TO SELL ME ONE , THE CHEEK OF HIM. WANTED MY BATTLE POINTS, WHATEVER THEY ARE, SO I SHOWED HIM MY SCARS OF VICTORY! THEN HE TRIED TO TELL ME THAT THEY’RE GOOD FOR EEVEE TRAINING! WHAT A STINKING LIAR! I NEVER SAW ONE WILD EEVEE WHEN I USED IT, AND WHEN I PUT IT ON MINE IT COULDN’T WALK ANYWHERE IT WAS SO HEAVY! IT MAKES FOR A GOOD WAY TO KEEP IT IN PLACE SO IT WON’T RUN OFF AGAIN, BUT NOTHING ELSE!
IT’S JUST RIDICULOUS! BACK IN MY DAY, WE ONLY HAD ONE ITEM WE COMMONLY USED AND THEY WERE STICKS! THIS TECHNIQUE TAUGHT POKÉMON RIGHT FROM WRONG AND THEY ENDED UP BETTER FOR IT! NONE OF THESE FANCY HOLD ITEMS EITHER, NO SIR! WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT TO PUT BLACK GLASSES ON A ZUBAT OR MAKE SOMETHING HOLD A BERRY? THEY JUST EAT YOUR LUNCH IF YOU DO THAT! SO MUCH FOR USING POKÉMON FOR SAFEKEEPING! OR LEFTOVERS! YOU EVER WONDER WHY THEY ARE CALLED THAT AND NEVER GET USED UP? IT’S BECAUSE WHATEVER IT IS IT DOWNRIGHT STINKS! NO RIGHT THINKING POKÉMON IS GOING TO FINISH ITS MEAL IF IT’S OFFERED THAT!
NO, I’M STAYING AWAY FROM THESE ITEMS. THEY’RE ALL JUST A WAY TO MAKE TRAINERS BUY MORE JUNK AND GIVE MONEY TO THE CORPORATIONS. LET’S JUST HOPE THEY DON’T TRY TO MARKET IT TO THE CHILDREN! I BET THAT’S HOW PEOPLE ARE GOING TO TRAIN THEIR POKÉMON NEXT – JUST SIT DOWN AND PLAY A VIDEO GAME INSTEAD OF TRAINING THEIR POKÉMON THE RIGHT WAY!
Written by the ‘Coffee Guy’ of Viridian City (pictured below) of RBY/FRLG. This rant was made possible by coffee supplied by bobandbill. Edits and comments respectively made by Bay Alexison, Jess and Richard Fightmaster.
This is better than the first Coffee Guy rant! What motivated you to write another one?
That’s nice to hear. =)
This was originally planned to be a series (or at least have a few entries), so when one of the writers asked for a new one I found some time to write it up. On that note, suggestions for new and old style articles are fine to make here or on the forums. =)