The Coffee Guy’s Rants: Too Many Pokeballs

THAT’S RIGHT, YOU HEARD ME. THERE’S TOO MANY OF THESE DARN BALLS ABOUT TODAY!

FIRSTLY, WHAT THE HECK HAS GONE WRONG WITH SOCIETY THAT YOU NEED ALL THESE KINDS OF BALLS THAT DO THE SAME DARN THING ANYWAY BUT WITH A SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT COLOUR AND A FAR HIGHER PRICE TAG? WHAT’S WRONG WITH GOOD OLD RED AND WHITE? GUESS WHAT, YOU SPEAK TO ANYONE DOWN THE STREET ABOUT POKEBALLS AND THAT’S THE FIRST THING THEY’RE GOING TO THINK OF! NOT BLUE AND WHITE, OR MEW FORBID YELLOW AND BLUE! THOSE COLOURS DON’T EVEN NORMALLY MATCH! WHY NOT KEEP IT TO WHITE, EVERYTHING GOES WITH WHITE! EVEN I GO WITH WHITE! I DON’T THINK THEY EVEN KNOW WHAT COLOUR TO GO WITH ANYMORE BUT THEY JUST USE A NEW ONE TO MAKE YOU BUY IT! YOU KNOW THAT PREMIER BALL? IT’S NO DIFFERENT TO A POKEBALL; THE DARN THING JUST HAS A DIFFERENT COLOUR AND WORKS THE SAME WAY! BUT I’M SURE IT WAS MADE TO ‘COMMEMORATE AN EVENT’ – THAT EVENT BEING THE DAY SOME BIGWIG EXECUTIVE CAME UP WITH THE IDEA TO GET PEOPLE TO BUY POKEBALLS IN BULK!

BUT IT’S NOT JUST THE DIFFERENT COLOURS! OH NO, THEY MAKE UP ALL KINDS OF RUBBISH WITH THESE NEW FANGLED BALLS! HECK, IT WAS BAD ENOUGH WHEN WE HAD GREAT AND ULTRA WHICH WERE SUPPOSDLY ‘BETTER’ AT CATCHING POKEMON. WELL I TELL YOU I THREW ALL KINDS OF BALLS AT THAT WEEDLE THERE AND NOT A SINGLE ONE WORKED! BUT NOW? NOW WE HAVE ALL SORTS OF WEIRD THINGS! LOOK AT THIS HERE DUSK BALL. APPARENTLY IT WORKS BETTER AT NIGHT TIME! NOW HOW THE HELL WILL THIS GREEN THING KNOW WHEN IT’S NIGHT OR NOT? AND IF IT CAN BE BETTER AT NIGHT, WHY CAN’T THEY MAKE ONE THAT’S BETTER DURING THE DAY? SOME OF US LIKE TO GET TO BED EARLY, YOU KNOW! IT MIGHT AS WELL BE MORE EFFECTIVE ALL THE TIME! WHAT IS IT, LAZY?

OR THIS NEST BALL! NOW THAT’S A REAL JOKE! IT SAYS ON THE TAG HERE THAT IT WORKS BETTER ON WEAKER POKEMON. WELL OF COURSE IT WOULD; THAT’S HOW EVERY BALL WORKS! THE WEAKER THE TARGET THE MORE LIKELY IT’LL GET CAUGHT! WHAT KIND OF FOOL DOESN’T KNOW THAT ALREADY? BUT THIS ONE APPARENTLY COSTS $800 MORE THAN YOUR AVERAGE POKEBALL!

THE FRIEND BALL! THIS ONE MAGICALLY MAKES YOUR POKEMON LIKE YOU! I CAN BELIEVE THAT POKEBALLS CATCH AND STORE POKEMON, BUT HOW DOES THAT EVEN WORK? DOES IT HAVE A SPA INSIDE OF IT OR SOMETHING? WHAT IF IT’S A FIRE POKEMON THAT YOU CATCH IT WITH THEN, HUH? AND THE HEAVY BALL JUST PROMOTES MAKING JUDGEMENTS ABOUT POKEMON’S WEIGHT! NEXT TIME YOU TRY USING ONE ON A SNORLAX CONSIDER ITS FEELINGS! AND HOW DOES IT KNOW TO WORK BETTER ON FAT POKEMON ANYWAY? WHAT’S NEXT, A BALL THAT SOMEHOW KNOWS HOW LONG THE BATTLE HAS GONE FOR!?

HECK, NORMAL POKEBALLS AREN’T EVEN NECESSARY! YOU KNOW WHAT CAME BEFORE THOSE? APRICORNS! THAT KURT FELLOW APPRECIATES THEM AT LEAST BUT ALL KIDS DO THESE DAYS IS FEED THEM TO THEIR POKEMON AND MAKE THEM JUMP OVER HURDLES! NOW WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU DO THAT? INSTEAD OF PAYING A FORTUNE FOR A NEW BALL PAINTED PINK BY SOME COLLEGE DROPOUT, THEY SHOULD DO THINGS THE OLD FASHIONED WAY! AND BY THAT I MEAN THROWING AN APRICORN AT THE POKEMON OVER AND OVER UNTIL IT FAINTED AND TAKING IT HOME AND TYING ITS LEGS TO THE BED LEG! THAT SHOWED THE THING WHO’S BOSS!

I MEAN, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO GET NEXT? THE POKEBALL YOYO!?

Written by the ‘Coffee Guy’ of Viridian City (pictured below) of RBY/FRLG. This rant was made possible by coffee supplied by bobandbill.

Author: bobandbill

I AM A GUY WHO PLAYS GAMES AND WRITES ABOUT THEM AND ALSO DOES KARATE AND SCIENCE INDEED, I SAY QUACK View all posts by bobandbill