Conspiracy: How We Brainwash Pokemon

Every so often, this person [pictured below] starts shouting stuff from their cardboard box down the street at people. To get them to shut up we offered to publish some of their words here. She also says she is keen to discuss more crazy ideas on our forums, but if you’re interested we advise taking earmuffs all the same.

HOW WE BRAINWASH POKEMON

Guys, Plasma were on to something, I tell you. They knew something nobody else did, about how we forced Pokemon to work for them, how we enslaved them. And you know one of the sneakiest ways we do this?

Badges.

Hear me out on this and think about it for a moment. Firstly, Pokemon tend to be pretty happy to listen to you when you catch them, right? But if you get a Pokemon from a trade, it’s not the case. They figured that you might be a weak link once they had their experience with their previous trainer who gave it away, and so they won’t listen to you. They’d rather flip the bird at you than to defend themselves in a battle! Yet if you happen to hold a badge or two, suddenly hey pesto – they listen to you! They clearly have some influence on Pokemon. Sure, some say it’s probably a matter of respect – but how can we be so sure? Why would a wild Pokemon who may have no knowledge about human society care if their trainer has a piece of metal or not? And for all they know, the trainer could have stolen it!

You know what all the Gym Leaders say when you get a badge? ‘Pokemon will listen to you if you have this badge’. They’re clearly in on it; and guess where they get the badges from? The Pokemon League! Corruption at the very highest!

It’s also clear that the more badges you have the more the Pokemon will listen to you. If the Pokemon you got from a trade is too high a level and doesn’t listen to you, guess what you need to do to solve this problem? You need to get more badges! Only having more and more of these things seems to be enough to get them to listen to you, and no amount of haircuts or massages will do the trick by itself either. It’s as if you need more badges to overcome the Pokemon’s strength and will, doesn’t it?

You know what else they say, those Gym Leaders? They say it may cause an increase in a stat like attack for the Pokemon! Think about this for a moment now. A supposedly harmless piece of metal makes your Pokemon stronger? I don’t think so. Obviously it’s a side effect from these amazingly powerful items! But what else do they do? Heck, if we wear them all the time, then who knows what dangers we’re putting ourselves into? I bet that’s why everyone has strange hair styles these days! Look at some of the gym leader’s hair styles as well; they seem to be the most affected, and it’s no wonder; they work with the things and give them out! It’s no wonder they promote putting the badges in metal cases these days; they must have realised.

And that whole business with ‘being able to learn and use a HM with this badge’. What a clear indicator there’s something fishy with these things! How does a badge inspire a Rattata to cut down that giant tree, or that Squirtle to cross an entire ocean with you on its back, or a Pidgey to drag you halfway across a region because you have a piece of metal shaped like a feather? It can’t be why; it must be that the badges force the Pokemon to do these amazing feats against their will! After all, they can do all of those things while fainted! And they can only do certain moves when you have a specific badge. Gee, funny that!

I hope you think about that the next time you get your unconscious Machop to magically shove aside that giant boulder in your way.

Written by bobandbill.

Author: bobandbill

I AM A GUY WHO PLAYS GAMES AND WRITES ABOUT THEM AND ALSO DOES KARATE AND SCIENCE INDEED, I SAY QUACK View all posts by bobandbill